Halloween. The spookiest holiday of the year. One of its greatest traditions is trick-or-treating, an experience that is hard to forget. Walking with your friends, making plans to get the most candy, and having fun with the reactions everyone has to your costumes. It’s perfect. Trick or treating might be the closest humanity has gotten to perfection. Now, imagine taking this brilliant experience and making it soulless, weak, pathetic, and unmemorable. That is what trunk or treat is.
If you haven’t heard of this wretched practice, trunk or treat is when people go into large parking lots, where everyone has candy in the trunks of their cars. Then, you just take the candy and leave. Occasionally, there can be decorations on the cars, but it really is a pathetic mimicry of real Halloween spirit.
The reason why this even exists in the first place is because certain places in the country are too dangerous for small children to trick or treat in. Sure, I’ll bite, maybe you are so far from a safe neighborhood to trick or treat that you have to resort to trunk or treating. But WHY are people in safe, suburban neighborhoods going trunk or treating? What is the point? Do these folks just hate fun?
Now you might be thinking, “Trick or treating isn’t losing to trunk or treating.” Or maybe you aren’t, maybe you are aware of the terrifying reality that awaits the beloved practice. But I saw firsthand the horrors of losing trick or treating this Halloween. I was dressed as Homelander, but even he could not fathom something as evil as trunk or treat. Some would say a junior is too old to trick or treat. I say that’s propaganda. There was not a single person weirded out by a junior and their friends trick-or-treating. Maybe in the past this would’ve been different, but now, because there is such a lack of trick-or-treaters, they become ecstatic at seeing anyone, literally anyone, coming to their house and asking for candy.
This is outrageous, this is an outrage. Trick or treating is a strategic art akin to the maneuver warfare seen during the Napoleonic Wars. A ballad of hundreds of kids walking through bustling neighborhoods. Trunk or treating is nothing. It’s lazy, and lets people shut off their minds. Why think about which houses to go to for the best candy if instead you can just walk around and stuff your pillowcase in thirty minutes? At that point, why even take candy from strangers? Just buy a big pack from Costco or something!
Clearly, the trunk or treaters need to be brought back to reality. Turning off your brain and mindlessly taking candy from cars in a parking lot is pure sheep behavior. I would reckon these people would side with the redcoats during the revolution, because the King told them nothing bad was going on. We need a Halloween Revolution. That is the only way to save America from the vices of barbaric, soulless holiday practices.
